Dear Porsche (judicial.review@porsche.co.uk),

I’ve recently visited your website for the Judicial Review of the increased congestion charge for London. At a time when the world is becoming more environmentally conscious, Porsche is showing itself to be an utter relic, moving its business into heavier and more polluting vehicles like the Cayenne, and trying to buy its way out of environmental regulation through legal threats.
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It’s only taken me 6 years to have almost forgotten I once had a life outside London, such do I love it here. Luckily for me I’ve not gone totally native yet though. It’s nice to still have a shred of perspective once in a while.

Prospective mayoral candidate Boris Johnson is no fan of health and safety regulations, apparently regularly declaring his hero to be Larry Vaughn, the fictional mayor in Jaws, who refused to close the beaches after expert testimony and evidence of the first shark attack, leading to another free lunch for the film’s eponymous anti-hero.

Apparently the odd gobbled bather here and there is a small price to pay for the business freedoms that come with under-regulation. The latest gaffe from London’s would be gaffer is taken from a speech he gave last year at Lloyds of London:

“The real hero of Jaws is the mayor. A gigantic fish is eating all your constituents and he decides to keep the beaches open. OK, in that instance he was actually wrong. But in principle, we need more politicians like the mayor - we are often the only obstacle against all the nonsense which is really a massive conspiracy against the taxpayer.”

Wonder how many more safety reps are going to be out canvassing for Ken now?

Hat tip - Mars Hill

Or, more precisely, I’m about to have a diet forced upon me now that Goddards’ Pie House in Greenwich town centre has closed its doors and sold its final portion of stewed eels.

No more of my customary weekend lunches of Banks ale and soya pie, with mash, peas and parsely liquor, followed by an excellent rhubarb pie and custard. As a wise man once said: “Nooooooooooo!!!”

Greenwich is very much a poorer place for its loss. Not sure why it’s happening - maybe they’ve fallen victim to the rent hikes which are knocking the stuffing out of the independent traders (which we’d always feared, given their seemingly suicidal pricing policy - most customers wouldn’t have blinked at a doubling of the price), or maybe they just got sick of stirring big pots of eels (which surely can’t be all that pleasant).

And the good burghers of Greenwich are also likely to be poorer themselves - I somehow doubt that the chainstore gourmet burger bar allegedly taking its place will be serving two hearty meals for a fiver. Also means I’m going to have to get off my a*se and start to visit friends again, after getting used to them coming to visit me (drawn, if I’m honest, more by the prospect of pie eating sessions than by my company).

The centre of Greenwich is a lovely, whimsical place, though almost entirely unsustainable now that the naval charity which owns much of the land has decided to stop holding off on exploiting their goldmine and start asking traders for real market rents for this kind of real estate. The kind of place where you can have a huge craft market that only opens a few days a week, a printmakers’ co-operative, or a shop selling clothing for dogs exists outside of modern economics, and I’ve a feeling that things are going to get nasty in Trumpton, en route to our glorious chainstore future.

One tip - if you’re still seeking pastry thrills in the area, be wary of Goddards’ in Deptford - the other branch of the Goddards’ pie making dynasty. I made myself out a right middle-class ponce by going in there last year and asking for a soya pie, only to notice too late that they only serve one dish - called ‘Pie’, and with no clue as to what meaty goodness (or not) lies within.