1. Announce you’re going to close 3/4 of government websites, claiming you’ll do away with:
   1. anything unco-ordinated,
   2. anything unnecessarily expensive,
   3. anything under-used,
      1. (in which case, said currently paid-up websites will presumably have to be broken up and re-developed into other sites or DirectGov – see 1.2)
   4. any vanity sites.
2. Announce all new websites will go through Frances Maude’s new senior committee, which will:
   1. decide if they’ll be useful enough to be allowed,
   2. decide if they’re usable and used enough to be allowed,
      1. (for which they will presumably have to quickly gain a lot of technical knowledge to make tactical judgements below their pay grade – see 1.2)
   3. champion centralised co-ordination in eGov web resources,
   4. have no remit over print and outdoor ad campaigns, as you obviously never get any kind of poor value there.
3. Immediately announce two new websites (admirably cheaply constructed), offering:
   1. a half-arsed show of consultation (see 2.1), and
   2. nice videos of George Osborne and Nick Clegg (see 1.4).
4. Replicate stage 3 in Facebook, claiming in an online chat with Mark Zuckerberg that actually building a website for stage 3 (as you did) would have been silly as it would have cost “millions if not billions”.
5. Call for exclusive use of the web in recruitment as it’s cost effective and transparent, even though:
   1. your proposal of cutting print job ads might make it harder for 30%+ of the population to access them,
   2. your idea that local people could investigate ‘non-jobs’ will mean jobs have to be spelled out in much more context to justify them to Have Your Say users (see 1.2).
6. Announce a 1/3 cut to DirectGov, the service which co-ordinates government web properties (see 1.1, 1.3.1, 2.3).

Phew! That all clear then?

Still smarting that we’re not considered wholesome enough for a Cameron marriage tax break – my wife earns a few hundred quid too much – I was cheered a bit to see Sunder Katwala’s recent post on Next Left. It looks like we’re in good company.

It’s supposed to cover civil partnerships too (might buy them a nice stay in a B&B), but Sunder thinks it will be hard for Cameron to find himself any beneficiaries there. Pensioners are likely to get a third of it – A very welcome boost on pensioner poverty, but would another £150 on winter fuel not be better targeting – or is divorce and anti-social behaviour amongst pensioners one of the main indicators of the Tories’ Borked Britain?

And then there’s the amount. Not enough to be a bribe, or to genuinely be of help to families – something that few people will get, and those that do get won’t notice. Shudder the thought it might be calculated to be the cheapest way possible to avoid the embarassment withdrawing the silly policy. As is stands it seems to fall squarely into the category of ‘pin money for wives who know their place”.

Sod Gene Hunt, it seems like Cameron’s taking us back to the 50′s.

Amidst talk of changed strategy to duck the virtual and physical graffiti that’s dogged the Tories’ election posters so far, three new billboards have been unveiled today, detailing why people might like to consider crossing the floor and voting Tory for a change. None of them have the easy-to-deface looming face of Dave, but there’s a nice strapline and design style that should give ample room for parody.

MyDavidCameron.com are already on the case, and I’m looking forward to see how they rise to the challenge. The hashtag #ivenevervotedtory is already doing brisk business with lunchbreak surfers. Here’s my quick & dirty contribution to the fun.

The sinister Tory billboards are back with a vengeance, and so are their online alter-egos. The current posters are coming in for a bit of flack for attacking a Labour policy that isn’t actually a Labour policy. Still, it’s a nice scary picture, so MyDavidCameron.com has morphed into MyToryTombstone.com, with some very funny takes on the dramatic picture and the message gaffe. Here’s my own contribution to the fun (click for bigger).

Thanks to Clifford for this week’s image challenge – A different take on Mr Cameron’s slightly creepy airbrushed bill board ads.

Here’s mine (click for biggie) – I reckon the Cameron illusion is all mad CGI skillz rather than airbrushing! I did get the right Cameron, right?

Anyways, you can see a bunch of other excellent attempts at this over at MyDavidCameron.com “Airbrushed for Change”.

Sir Peter came into Parliament 35 whole years ago, back when the constituency was created (somewhere towards the end of Genesis I think). Between the Navy and the yachties, it’s a strong Tory seat, though the Liberals have been in and out locally, bugging the Tories out with their profligate spending (such as instigating a short lived annual week-long free music festival when I was a kid – bunging BB King and James Brown 25 grand apiece to play gigs in the town cinema).

I remember him from only a few occasions. As a sixth former at the turn of the 90′s, he met up with our college on a trip to Parliament. Quite decent of him I guess, but he managed to alienate the whole class with his alternately creepy/patronising part of the tour: “And this is the Great Hall: Hey kids, this would be a great place for a rave, wouldn’t it?”.

We tormented the poor bloke further when he came for a Q&A with our politics A level class, pressing him on questions about his party policy that made him squirm and consult with the teacher as to whether the areas of enquiry were strictly part of the syllabus, or else he’d have to pass. Luckily, unbeknownst to him, the politics teacher was away and the class taken by our unreconstructed Marxist history teacher, who was only too happy to pretend any line of enquiry was central to our exam success.

And then of course the fact he sent every kiddo in Gosport an 18th birthday card from the Conservative Party, with a nice blue torch and message exhorting us to vote the right way. We didn’t mind that we’d got them, big brother squeamishness aside, but that they were sent with House of Commons envelopes and franking, which seemed frankly a bit of a fiddle for a party political.

Once I’d left Gosport, I didn’t have much cause to think about him – save when he popped up fairly high in some kind of league table of the sleaziest MPs published by the Observer in the 90′s (back in the day when cash sleaze wasn’t the cross-bench affair we have today) for allegedly trying to nobble a broadcasting bill so as not to compromise one of his venture capital investments.

Nobody really seemed to think much about him – he was just kind of always there, as much an institution as the red brick Conservative Club taking pride of place in the High Street. So I was rather surprised to see the traces of what seems a guerrilla art campaign against him, whilst looking round the town this weekend.

It all started, my sources (Mum) tell me, around the time of the initial duck island revelations. A mystery graffitist stenciled ducks and their footprints, making their way into the doorway of Conservative Club. The Police were called (well, they live next door so it would seem rude not to) but no leads were found. Next, a bona fide floating island for nesting waterfowl in one of the creeks off the harbour acquired a large yellow plastic duck sculpture. Then fake road signs of ducks crossing started appearing, followed by two more installations in other creeks – large cut-out ducks atop poles in the middle of the creek, at low tide revealing signs saying “fowl play”. Drain covers were stencilled with a crest “P£V”, possibly hinting at Sir Peter’s’ decision to step down at the next election.

It feels strangely politicised for a town that never really saw itself as political. This outbreak of irreverent duck art in different styles and different parts of town might be the work of a solitary (fairly persistent and resourceful) prankster, but it doesn’t feel that way. It’s all still there, months on, a sort of “Qu’Accuse”, relentlessly undermining a man who through sheer career longevity has come to embody the Conservative party and its local institutions. Will his resignation help defuse the tension, or might my Lib Dem supporting parents (I know, I tried…) see their votes work out the right way after 40 years in the town?

Appendix: For anyone thinking I’m doing my birthplace a disservice here, I should like to point out that Gosport does indeed have many very fine points, and the casual visitor to Southern Hampshire would be well rewarded by excursions to Explosion (The Museum of Naval Ordnance which, you will have to take it from me, is splendidly and extremely innovatively curated, and entirely unlike any preconceptions you may have when – probably only briefly – considering a visit to a torpedo museum), the reconstructed 17th Century Village (a living history project, where you too can be accosted by an accountant spending their summer holidays living as they did in the civil war, and for dramatic effect feigning afflication by a half dozen poxes), or for younger family members Monkey Bizness (the best indoor adventure playground in the hundreds it seems I have sampled so far, and the only one with free wi-fi for those geekier parents content to take an eye off the juniors whilst they swing from a three storey climbing frame). All this, and outsider-duck-art too – Go visit today!

I mean, being able to instantly automatically identify me as a wrong ‘un from my IP addy and targetedly refuse me access like this, whilst I imagine letting all the 2.0Tories straight in without any hiccups, that’s some mad skillz! Would expect nothing less from “probably the most advanced party political campaigning network of its kind outside of America”.

UPDATE 4/10/09: Here’s more on the story from El Reg. Admittedly much respect for the 404 pages though…

In which a young man setting out on a noble career finds that ultimately it’s easier to make living through a dishonest path than by staying true to his public. Any similarities between persons living or dead purely coincidental.

Hat tip Mark

Indeed, a quick shufty at their website seems to confirm it. “The traditions of yesterday”, “cricket green”, “all the benefits normally associated with a exclusive country club.” The pub is called the Spitfire, and the photos in the brochure aren’t exactly multi-cultural. Plus of course there are the whopping great gates at the front to “engender a private community”.

A gated village? In the Tory heartland of rural Kent? Egad! It appears that Cameron has given up all hope of winning the next election and instead is working on an emergency plan B – The construction of a top-secret Tory fortress, where the Cameroonies can hole up and plot their sinister revenge on the nation.